


It's a Matter of Agency

by ASingleMind



Series: Varian and the 7 Kingdoms AU (but it's bad) [1]
Category: Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon)
Genre: Absurdist meta crack, And I'm not sorry, Crack, Gen, M/M, seven kingdoms AU, this is genuinely just a shit post in fic form
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24474298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASingleMind/pseuds/ASingleMind
Summary: Nuru laments her lack of character. Yong almost breaks his allocated dialogue limit for the fic. Hugo narrowly escapes another betrayal reveal.And Varian is none the wiser.
Relationships: Hugo & Nuru (Disney: Varian and the Seven Kingdoms), Hugo/Varian (Disney: Varian and the Seven Kingdoms)
Series: Varian and the 7 Kingdoms AU (but it's bad) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1897825
Comments: 8
Kudos: 46





	It's a Matter of Agency

**Author's Note:**

> I got stymied on the outline for a WIP, so I let myself write some absurdist meta-crack for the Seven Kingdoms AU instead. You know, to get the flow going again. That's a thing, right?
> 
> Edit: in hindsight, this ended up being more mean-spirited than intended. But ruffling feathers is sort of the point of parody and satire.

“I just don’t get it Hugo.” Nuru whispered as she once again studied the star map of her dress. Unsatisfied with her survey, she continued “They’ve been stuck on my introduction since March. _March_! It’s simply absurd.”

Hugo shrugged. “Maybe I’m just more fun to write? You get to be the team mom, but all I have to do is condescend to everyone around me and say things like ‘would this face lie to you, Varian?’ in an innocent voice.”

“You don’t think I’m fun to write?” Nuru’s smile faltered, just a bit. “I’m a princess with a _starmap_ for a dress! My description is literally ‘playful, determined, adventurous’. I’m fun! Lot’s of fun!” Her face quickly began to fall into an unseemly pout. She sat down daintily on the ground, careful to avoid rumpling her dress. It wouldn’t do to dirty their only star chart.

“Oh, and flirt at Varian. Can’t forget that.” Hugo continued, only half-listening.

“It doesn’t make sense.” Nuru said as she folded her arms. “We’re both very straightforward characters. What do you have that I don’t?”

“You mean aside form these roguishly good looks?” Nuru levelled her best you’re-not-even-worth-my-time look at him, just as she had been taught by her tutors. It bounced harmlessly off Hugo’s smug veneer. “Oh, you’ll have to try harder than that princess. I’ve been scamming people richer than you for _years_.”

“And when did you have time to develop a back story?”

“Oh, that’s the best part! I didn’t really. I’m just a package deal!” Hugo smirked. Nuru simply deepened her pout.

“There, there, starchild. We can’t all be everyone’s favorite OC.” Hugo offered, doing his best impression of sympathy. He hesitated only a moment before patting Nuru’s head very lightly with the backside of his hand.

Nuru wasn’t sure to feel sorry or embarrassed for the man.

“Varian’s an OC!” she snapped.

“Yes but he’s _canon_ dear, there’s a difference.” Nuru harrumphed at that. “Speaking of which, where did that fine piece of—”

“Guys!” Yong interrupted with impeccable timing. The older pair barely spared him a glance. “Look, I know I’m the baby of the group, but I can be useful too!”

“Oh?” Hugo coughed.

“Yeah! I’m not held back by things like ‘reasonable restraint’ and 'foresight’, whatever that means.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And I think I may have discovered something actually plot-relevant! You see—" Yong’s mouth continued to move as no sound came out. The boy continued to gesture with increased excitement, unabated.

Hugo looked confused, possibly for the first time in his life. “Is he…alright?”

“Oh, he’s fine.” Nuru said, casually waving the boy off. “He’s just reached his allocated amount of dialogue for this fic. The author will shove him off somewhere shortly.”

“That can’t be healthy for a young boy.”

“He’s lucky he got more than a few lines honestly. I don’t think the author knows what to do with him either.”

“Isn’t he supposed to be Varian’s protégé?” Hugo asked, still reeling a little from his earlier brush up with an uncomfortable feeling. These things were still new to him.

“Something like that. Oh look, there’s Varian now.” And there Varian was, barrelling toward them with all the excitement of a man with a bad idea.

“Oh there you guys are! I’ve been looking all over for you two.” Varian sputtered as he came to crashing halt, nearly falling over the space once occupied by Yong.

“You mean three?” Hugo asked, finally looking to where Yong had been standing a moment ago.

“Three? But there’s only two of you.” Varian cocked his head sideways a little in a way that only the truly innocent could. There was a strange movement in Hugo’s chest. Ah, another one of those pesky feelings things then. “Really Hugo, you say the strangest things sometimes! Like the other night when—”

“Let’s keep this PG-13, shall we?” Nuru interjected.

“—I heard you muttering something about a ‘Donella’? And a be-trah-ell? Am I pronouncing that correctly? I’ve never heard those elements. Is it for some kind new formula of yours? I was thinking maybe we could…”

Nuru sighed as she turned back to Hugo, ignoring Varian’s incessant yammering. “You really can do no wrong, can you?”

“I simply can’t!” Hugo replied, taking a moment to give Varian a look that somehow communicated all the angst of an entire backstory in one take. Without another word, Hugo flung himself through the air in a powerful somersault that very gracefully cleared right over a betrayal reveal at its zenith. He tumbled over and over, head following heels, heels following head, until he landed with a soft thud beside Varian. “I think our author is devolving into malicious absurdity at this point.” Hugo chimed, gesturing in the vague direction of God.

“Did you just gesture to yourself?”

“That’s beside the point.”

Nuru did not look impressed. Hugo grinned mischievously as he pinched Varian’s chin between his fingers, turning the boy’s face from side to side. “Look! It’s so easy! He doesn’t even notice.”

Varian’s chattering finally curtailed towards a conclusion. “…right so the reason I came over here. The reason I…why did I come over here again?”

“Something to end this meta-textual wank, maybe?” Nuru deadpanned.

“Oh right! The journal! It’s missing. Again...” Varian said, voice leaden with guilt. Just behind his head, Hugo waved the book in question. He gave Nuru a knowing wink.

“Oh really? Oh, where could it be! I simply can’t imagine where it could have gone to! You always take such good care of it after all.”

“I’ll never make my mom proud at this rate!” Varian cried, verging on tears. Nuru rolled her eyes.

“Well well well, would you look here Goggles. I managed to find it in this sorry excuse for a fic!”

Varian beamed at the blonde, sorrow forgotten. “Oh, Hugo! What would we do without you?” He reached for the book as Hugo held it just a few inches out of reach. Nuru began rubbing her temples.

It was finally Varian’s turn to pout. Hugo fixed what might have been a sincere frown across his face, if it hadn’t been for the sheer glee in his eyes. “Aw babe, you know I can’t say no to that face! And you’ve been so good too. Here ya go!” Hugo said, promptly dropping the journal on Varian’s head.

Varian whimpered, eyes glistening once again as the tome rolled off him.

“I’m _so_ sorry babe! Can you ever find it in you to forgive me, sweet cheeks?” Hugo cried, Nuru mouthing the words along with him.

“I suppose I can give you another second chance.” Varian chided him with a little smile. With that, Hugo suavely swept Varian up into a warm embrace, softly rubbing the top of the shorter boy’s head.

“Oh so when Varian’s involved you suddenly know how to comfort someone.” Nuru muttered, still sitting on the ground.

“What can I say? I’m a changed man!” Hugo ran his fingers through the mop that was Varian’s hair.

Nuru settled her chin onto her fist as she rested her elbow on one of her knees. “Would it _kill_ you to engage a little more with your backstory?”

“Honestly? With the way people characterize Donella, it just might actually.”

Running his hand behind Varian’s ear one last time, Hugo gently turned the alchemist toward the only tent that had been erected for the group.

With her only remaining sigh for the day, Nuru watched as the two boys sauntered off. At least she had the stars to keep her company.

She heard one last snippet of conversation before the tent flap closed. “Oh look babe, there’s only one bed…”

It was going to be a long night.

**Author's Note:**

> This really didn't deserve an Ao3 upload, but here we are!


End file.
